Job Advert for the Ultra Woke

As 20% of UK population has recently elected the Labour party to be the next tyranical regime to ruin our lives for the next five years, one can expect wokery to reach new heights of madness. With that in mind, I believe job adverts like the following will soon be seen in all the woke press.

Life-Spectrum, Diversity, Wellbeing Champion

To optimise our profile as pioneers of diversity and inclusion and to enhance our quota of oppressed minority persons we are currently seeking a Life-Spectrum Diversity Wellbeing Champion to actively support all our life-challenged staff.

Job Role

The role will involve facilitating access to opportunities within the company for all staff members on the extreme end of the life-diverse spectrum, from the totally deceased to those barely alive. As our life-challenged staff derive from all positions within the LGBT community, the successful applicant will also be pro-active at promoting the mandatory use of non-threatening, all inclusive, safe terminology in the workspace arena. To achieve this, the applicant must make themselves conversant with the approved list of self-applied adjectives that the staff members identify with as listed below

L-Living, but only just (not at all well)

G- Gravely ill (really, not at all well)

B-Barely alive (really, really, not at all well)

T- transdead (alive but self-identifying as a dead)

Q- Quite dead (totally deceased)

A-   Adead (staff in the is category believe they are neither alive nor dead and are sometimes referred to as Schrodingers)

Criteria

Although it would be preferable that the successful applicant would have lived experience at being dead themselves, as we are at the vanguard of non-discriminatory, equitable, inclusivity inclusiveness, we also welcome applicants who self-identify as dead. To qualify one must have lived as a deceased person for at least 24 hours. We may require proof of this such as photographic evidence of you lying in a coffin or coffin-shaped receptacle. If having access to a coffin is problematic, video footage of you lying very still for 15 minutes whilst exhibiting a semblance of a deathly pallor upon your countenance would be acceptable. Failing that a photo of you wearing a badge saying, ‘Honest, I really am dead,” will usually suffice.

Other Important Information

Although you will be a good communicator, all communications will have to be compliant with Ofword’s Workplace Lexicon Regulations Edition 27. As our company views causing offence by either the spoken or written word as gross misconduct, these regulations must be strictly adhered to.  In addition, offence can be caused by looking at someone sideways, tutting within a  500 metre radius of the offended person, saying the word ‘meat’ in any context other than to condemn those that eat it to hell-fire and brimstone, not genuflecting at the idol of St Greta in the company’s foyer with enough reverence, or addressing anyone on the life-diverse spectrum using the wrong adjective and asking an actual dead employee to ‘get off their ass an do a bit,’ (irrespective if they are actually dead or just self-identifying as a corpse). As this is not an exhaustive list of offences you will be required to read the entire set of Microaggression Manuals Volumes 1 to 5, including appendix 1, Mini-Microaggressions, and appendix 2, Teeny Weeny, Mini Microaggressions in your first week of employment. There will be a test each Monday morning on their contents, after the communal team meditation experience.

You will also be working in conjunction with the Trigger Guidelines Department to ensure that all your communication robustly complies with the rules and regulations in the Trigger Guideline handbook. This is to ensure that no member of staff is permanently traumatised by inadvertently reading a troublesome word without being pre-warned by a trigger alert notice, giving them sufficient time to evacuate to the company’s designated trauma reduction room (currently the broom closet in the basement) where a paper bag will be provided to alleviate hyperventilation and a thick blindfold in case they accidentally see anything offensive in the broom closet itself. Any staff member suffering from viewing problematic language will also have the opportunity to avail themselves of the services of our fully qualified Rapid Pacification Reaction Team who will swiftly come to their aid by bathing them in soothing and calming words to the accompaniment of meditative music supplied by our in-house Buddhist Monk quartet, whilst offering them a comfort blanket in a pastel colour of their choice.

Working alongside the Wellbeing Champion will be a Sensitivity Reader whose job it will be to ensure all communication complies with the Trigger Guidelines and that no inappropriate words are used. If communication is with an employee who falls on the extreme end of the life-diverse spectrum, i.e. they are actually dead, a sensitivity medium will be on hand at one of the seance booths to ensure that all supernatural conversations use appropriate language

Salary –

£100,00 plus free annual subscription to Woke Weekly.

Holidays –

30 days annual leave, all bank holidays plus 2 days per year to visit your own grave to offer solace and comfort to yourself. For a small fee, our Self Esteem Building Team can arrange to have a group of professional mourners accompany you to give the impression you were really more important than you actually were as feedback from our 120 page Post Cemetery Visit Wellbeing questionnaire  has highlighted the fact that realising that one was not actually the centre of the universe can be very traumatic for some of our deceased staff. (For those staff members only identifying as dead, an equivalent amount of time will be allocated for you to visit a grave of your choice where you can show your extreme empathy for a complete stranger by crying inconsolably over their tombstone and posting it on the wail-watching section of our website to increase your virtue score.)

Volunteer work –

5 days leave will also be awarded to any staff member who wishes to volunteer their services for the greater good of humanity. Volunteer work covered under this agreement may include, but is not limited to –

Supplying free cotton wool to any victims of word-induced trauma so that they can safely wrap themselves in it.

Providing a safe space for those at the extreme end of the life-challenged spectrum to decompose in peace without fear of abuse.

Supplying comfort to any staff member on sick leave the who has self-identified as being dead but has been maliciously misidentified as being, ‘bone-idle.’

Writing letters to the editor of the Guardian to complain about someone in public life who has said something to offend the dead, ensuring that you compare them to a despot of your choice and accuse them of ‘life privilege’.

Sick Leave –

There is no limit to the amount of sick leave you can claim as long as you provide a note from your GP, shaman, witch doctor, guru, yoga instructor, meditation guide, life coach or parents.

Compassionate leave-

The Company allows for unlimited compassionate leave for the following-

Death of a relative, neighbour, neighbour’s cat or someone who once sat beside you on the bus.

Someone who is still alive but has just come out as being dead.

Death of someone you know who used to self-identify as being dead but is now actually dead.

Someone who is actually dead but is now also self-identifying as being dead.

Death of your favourite pot plant (extra grieving time will be allowed if it is only a seedling)

This post is sponsored by the following charities –

‘Dead Non-Lives Matter.’

‘I May be Deceased, but I Haven’t Ceased to be,’

‘Dead Rights are Human Rights.”

“My Corpse, My Choice.”

Apply in writing (or automatic writing via a medium if actually dead) quoting your preferred adjectives and include a passport-sized photo. (If you are actually dead and don’t think you are looking particularly photogenic at the moment an artist’s sketch will be sufficient.)

Please allow at least 12 months for a response as most of our staff are currently off on compassionate leave due to the recent and very sad demise of small block of ice in the Arctic,  or are volunteering for our recently formed  no-life activist group, “No Creation, Not Procreation” who are claiming reparations from their parents for giving birth to them and causing them all the extreme trauma associated with living- such as where to find an ethcially-source hazmat suit to wear when your next door neighbour’s dog has a sniffle, how to find enough time to practise your ‘I’m totally offended by that comment’ face in the mirror so it expresses the opitimum amount of disgust, or the panic-attacks inevitably triggered by one wondering if there is enough maggot-milk and crunchy cockroach breakfast cereal to go round, when the daily avergage temperature rises by 0.1 degrees in Timbuktu, heralding the climate apocalypse .

The group are currently pushing to have the act of maliciously giving birth to someone without the unborn’s consent to be made a criminal offence and are currently looking for volunteers to trace the members’ family trees as far back as possible so they can sue every one of their ancestors who are all complicit in their ultimate existence.   

If you have any queries about this post please contact the Assistant Vice Co-Chairperson of our Equality, Equity, Diversity, Inclusivity, Fairness, Justice, Wellbeing, Recruitment Division of our Personnel Branch - Ms Bambi Earthmother Sustainability Peacelove.